News: Scarlett Sex Bomb Mahogany Explosion Shocker!
Scarlett Johansson is used to raising male temperatures, having recently been
voted world No.1 SEXIEST FEMALE, eyebrows aren’t the part of the male body
usually known to be raised right along with them.
changed when the star of some Woody Allen flicks and that thing about an
ear-ring recently made the explosive statement that monogamy isn’t natural! And
although the fierce debate that ensued was primarily between Scarlett and her
boyfriend, my buddy Duggy was happy to join in the argument and said yesterday:
natural! It’s what trees are made of! Nobody knows about wood like Scarlett! Ask
any guy! I don’t know why she has taken this stance! Although I like it when she
takes stances! Especially if she has boots on! Remember that number by Nancy
Passions are running so high that Duggy had to be
carried out of the room and placed in a cold bath shortly after making this
statement. Because he has sex on the brain, we put him in there head first.
Arnold was more optimistic. “I think this will give a lot of men hope,” he said.
“Although on a personal level, I don’t agree with what Scarlett has said, I’m
glad she feels that way." When I asked him to explain this apparent
contradiction, he replied. “Gee, if I could get laid just once I’d be
I decided to ask somebody who wasn’t a loser, but I don’t know
anybody like that, so I asked my buddy Homber instead:
said that it’s crazy to claim to be thinking of a cherished partner whilst
rolling around doing a sexy scene with another person. This is completely
Although Homber is unemployable, not qualified to make such
sweeping statements about the human condition, and is usually encouraged not to
talk at all, I asked him to go on.
“I’ve been married for five years, and
although I’m not an actor, whenever I sleep with another person, I always think
of Scarlett Johansson. Even if I’m boinking a retired broad, or the guy who
brings the mail. Don’t matter."
When I pointed out to Homber that he is
married to a large German lady called Hengretta, not Scarlett, he shrugged and
replied, “Yeah, but if Scarlett agreed to marry me, she would prove herself
Scarlett's suggestion that she may not be
perfect is proven false by this photo.
Homber searching for his green crayon so that he could write to Scarlett and let
her know about this exciting development.
Determined to find a genuine
expert type, I cunningly feigned a stomach ache and made an appointment with a
doctor. Whilst laying on a table to be examined, I craftily brought up the
question of monogamy, in the guise of casual small talk.
“Theoretically, it’s possible,” the doc suggested, “but
not in practice.” When I pointed out that, if it isn’t possible in practice,
then the theory must be wrong, he replied, “Not at all. Theory and practice are
different things. If they weren’t, we wouldn’t need the two words. One would be
When I opened my eyes, I noticed that he was holding a scalpel and
grinning at me, so I made a polite excuse and beat him unconscious with a chair.
would you like for dessert?"
time is it? Oh, I don't have a watch on...
for lending me your underpants, Woody.
tasteful picture of Woody Allen's casting couch yesterday.
I've fallen over and hurt my ankle! A man will have to help me!
buttons keep springing open. Can you help?
I forgot to shave the other one.
Oscar is in the post, Scarlett.
Scarlett about to let her hair down (again!)
Certainly, but I may come undone myself.
mention that I'm kinky? I hope you don't mind.
you're blocking the TV.
Two? I think I'll be fine with lust the one, I mean just the one, thanks.
nah, not at all. Umm, by the way, who the hell are you?
and sex are so overrated. I want more from my life. More money, for a start. And
believe that mahogany is unnatural. Does that shock you?
it down, Scarlett, or you might forget.
Scarlett the swinger. Out of her tree, but she
could still teach Tarzan a thing or two. As for Keith Richards...
Scarlett herself, the problem may be unsolvable. “So many men find her sexually
explosive,” my buddy Gretchen Halfmeinger told me, “That many feminists now
consider the mere mention of her name to be sexist.
constantly tempted. Her problem is that men who get into a relationship with her
tend to start believing in monogamy. It’s like an automatic reaction. What the
hell would be the point of feeling any other way? It’s a Catch-22 thing for
“The question of true fulfillment for an animal as complex and
intelligent as the human being is a highly debatable, philosophical one,” he
admitted, “even when talking about the male. But if the combination of Scarlett
Johansson, beer and football doesn’t sum it up for a guy, he might as well qive
Was there any hope at all for Scarlett, I
Surprisingly, Gretchen looked optimistic. “Did you say she
knows Woody Allen?” he asked.